Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The End of the World

Some bastard cut me off, halfway through the roundabout on the way to Nelle's school. The dining table lays unseen and unused below piles of drawings and mailings and scribbles and notes. My husband puts the wine glasses where they aren't supposed to be. My car is littered with dirty tissues and parking receipts. My suitcase lays unpacked beside my bed, which I spilled tea all over last night. The nauseating smell of air freshener sweeps across the coffeeshop. My child loses her school jumper within hours of purchase. The air outside weighs heavy. I'm angry and frustrated and dejected and scattered and I want to reset, rewind, do over. 

These things pile up on me like the end of the world.

breast cancer
perspective?

And 5 years ago yesterday I got into a scalding bath and closed my eyes and got cancer. I already had it, of course, but it was in that warm and peaceful moment that the doctor called, changing my world forever. I thought the world was ending, I knew it was ending, but it didn't end. I survived. Survived. 

Survived. 

I survived the end of the world. So fuck you, bad drivers and bitter coffee and gray skies. Fuck you, cancer. One breath at a time, I can make this life what I want it to be. I'm not stuck, I'm not overwhelmed, I'm me. I'm alive.

And I'm having a massage. This day will get right.
Love, Amanda xx

PS. Thank you for sharing this cancerversary with me, friends. This month is always an uneasy time of year for me - every fear and sadness seems amplified. But your support these last few years has really made my heart sing - what a journey we're sharing together. You're awesome xx

13 comments:

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

I am a 7 year survivior Congratulations on your cancerversary. Everyday is a gift. Enjoy!

Darla Mae said... [Reply to comment]

Don't let the bastards get you down!

Congratulations on your cancerversary!

You are stronger than you think!

Darlene

Kinzie said... [Reply to comment]

I loved this post. :) Congratulations.

Amanda Niehaus said... [Reply to comment]

Anonymous - congratulations on yours! xx

Darlene & Kinzie - thank you, thank you! Sometimes we need someone else to remind us how strong we are :)

Zara said... [Reply to comment]

You beautiful, strong lady.
x

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

happy cancerversary to you who is so courageous, strong, humble and loving. you rock.

Phillip said... [Reply to comment]

I am not a very outspoken person but I wanted to let you know I've been reading and at this point I can't help but say, you are amazing. My best friend is a survivor, too! I love the way you write, never change it!

Amanda Niehaus said... [Reply to comment]

Thank you guys for the beautiful words - I loved them, even if you linked your name to a hotel website.

PS. please don't link your name to a hotel website unless it's actually *your* hotel and I might get to stay there.

xx

Cheryl said... [Reply to comment]

xo

David said... [Reply to comment]

I concur. Fuck you cancer!

Amanda Niehaus said... [Reply to comment]

@David

David - THANK YOU!!!! The f-bomb can be so empowering sometimes, don't you think? Big hugs for you and your best friend xx

Amanda Niehaus said... [Reply to comment]

@Cheryl Right back at you, gorgeous.

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

Thanks Amanda! Just discovered your site and LOVE it! I'm only 8 months post-diagnosis and have just revealed my full head of hair post-chemo and radiation. I so relate to your sentiments! Chin up, buttercup! Love Kate

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Thanks for commenting! Amandaxx

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