one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twentyone twentytwo twentythree twentyfour twentyfive twentysix twentyseven and for twenty of those santa was coming and fuck, I know those parents will have presents tucked away in closets and will they ever be able to open those doors again. and this morning, the worst of my day was the smell of cat piss pervading the street outside and now that's nothing, absolutely nothing to this terrible acid sadness, and part of me wants to run away to a cave somewhere and let my hair grow all long and shaggy, and I'll meditate on dripping water and wandering insects and the hum of the world, or will I run to Nelle's preschool now, right now, who gives a shit what time of day it is, I need my daughter; and all these people are walking around and do they have no idea? have you not heard this, don't you know? or maybe they just can't picture imagine fathom the anguish the sinking of your own heart into a place so deep it hardly even feels like your own body anymore, so I run and run and find my baby who's all growing up and I hold her to me and mummy why are you crying and are you upset and mummy I'm hungry and yes, one day I'll wake up and I'll be gone or she'll be gone but I don't want that now, not now, not in any countable number of breaths, not when her mouth is so small and sweet and candy-cane scented and her eyes still see a world so precious and perfect; not her, not her, not ever. and come here, sweetie, I bury my head in her tangle of hair and forget the outside world for moments at a time and she looks up at me and asks: what was your favourite part of today?

with love and sadness,
Amanda xx


  1. thank you amanda. as always your posts touch deep, but tonight, oh my god, the sadness in our community (i live in ct and sandy hook is part of our school district)... and my babies, 5 and 7, so oblivious to the lock down that happened at their school today...
    oh i cannot even write, i just wanted to say thank you.

  2. I think, Heather, this is a time for us to all love each other - across miles and oceans and paychecks and ages and any of those crazy false divides we make up. I'm so happy your babies are home with you now, safe with their mamma. xx

  3. Oh, my heart has been aching just thinking of all those poor families! I think you summed it up pretty perfectly.

  4. @Loretta E. It felt how it felt and now my heart is full of my daughter,

    and anger. What now?


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