Monday, August 13, 2012
I spend a lot of time lately wondering if my darling Nelle's ok. Looking for signs that her sweet, sunny aspect is shadowed with grief. And if it's there, even for a second, what do I do? How do I allay her fears? How do I make this time easier? For her, for me, for Robbie ... all hurting in our own ways, own times, and sometimes own spaces.
I spoke to someone today who reminded me that these past few years have been hard. Sometimes you forget that, all you've been through, all we've ALL been through. Then you start listing it all off and suddenly it seems overwhelming. For me, for us, it's been cancer and the loss of two people we loved dearly. Sometimes I think it's all behind me ... all the fear and sadness ... but mostly I just live onwards accepting that death is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I try to live happy. Sometimes I fail, but that's ok. Mostly, I'm happy.
But how do I explain all that to her? She's only 5. Surely it's enough that she knows how loved she is ... that she knows her Grammy and Grandpa are in her heart now, with her whenever she needs them ... that she knows we're not perfect but we do our best ...
Is it? Or are there darknesses beneath the surface that we can't see? How much sadness resides in that little heart I love so much? And will I be able to show her how to use it to make herself stronger? That's what I want for my baby girl - resiliance, happiness, sunshine, strength.
And what I want for myself? To be the woman who can exemplify resiliance, happiness, sunshine and strength.