Three years ago today.

I sank low in a hot bath, hoping to wash away the longest day of my life. Holding my breath ... anticipating the phone call that would change everything.

Cancer, she said. (me? me) Cancer.

And since then, it's gone. (they say it's gone)

And since then (and for always?), there's a shadow that creeps through life with me. Everywhere. It wakes up with me, it falls into bed with me. It seems to tap me on the shoulder and say ... I could come back. Happy? And safe? (Ha! it says. For now!)

But it's just a shadow. I can't even catch it on film. No one else can see it, hear it, feel its cold fingers. Not like I can.

Just a shadow.

Intangible. Not like the other shadows, the happy ones.

The living ones. These ones.

The ones that make me forget to be afraid ... for even a few, precious moments.

Happy Anniversary,
Amanda xx


  1. Happy Anniversary dear Amanda. This was such a powerfully poignant post. Prayers offered for you and everyone else who must walk amidst the shadows that you always feel the warmth of the sun for many, many years to come.

  2. It's so hard to know what to say to say after reading this post. Your words left my chest heavy because I have shadows lurkin' about too. They're not the same as your shadows but I can relate to what you're saying because my shadows are similar.

    All I can say is that you're a survivor and a fighter. You're tough and you're strong. And you're filled with the glow of life that burns strong within you.

    Light some candles to celebrate and commemorate all that is you. You deserve it.

  3. @sheila @ Elements Sheila - thanks for writing, even when you weren't sure what to say. Your words inspire, thank you.

  4. Such an insightful, honest and touching post Amanda. Thank you for sharing your reality of life post cancer. Happy Anniversary!

  5. Thanks so much for sharing. When I first read your post my heart felt heavy for you, then I thought NO this is a time for Champagne and celebrations for an amazing woman and an amazing body that has over come the BIG C Happy Anniversary To you, your family and your amazing body. Congratulations on your amazing achievements and inspiring blog,( that I love to read) Cheers Emma


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Thanks for commenting! Amandaxx